Humor

Summer Falls

Posted by Heather's Starting End on September 30, 2014

Posted in: Humor, humour, life, nature, poem, poetry. Tagged: birds fly, fall, nature poem, poem, poetry, seasons, sick, summers gone. 9 Comments

Go ahead Day, go and get up
Would you care if I stay behind, please?
My muscles are stiff, head’s stone heavy
Must be Autumns gift I’ve received

Damp air lays thick, as his statement he makes,
He’s bullied dear Summer away
He’s covered the sun, pre frosted the trees,
While here in my bed, wrapped up I lay

Warmths been pulled out of my body,
Replaced with a feverish chill
No sigh of joy comes from my mouth,
Instead goes in hot tea and pills

Tricky, tricky, yes you are,
Even Birds not sure they’d stay
One flew North as six went South,
Confused on this Fall day

Flowers opened just to fold,
Somewhat just like me
With hope, but knowing, that we’ve seen
Our Summers grand finale

And so it goes, time to greet yet another season! To adjust clocks and clothes, and for me, to load up the medicine cabinet 😉

Ooooops!!!!

Posted by Heather's Starting End on June 24, 2014

Posted in: Humor, life, poetry, poetry blog. Tagged: coffee, coffee time, days slipped by, funny poem, humor, life, poem, time, where did the day go. 17 Comments

It’s so nice you came to hear me say,
Just a small bit about my day
The one with 24 hours I had,
Spent 9 of them sleeping
Is that real bad?

When I woke this morning and these feet hit the ground,
What are you kidding? No speed of sound!
I haplessly carried the weight of my head,
To the kitchen for coffee and then back to bed
To sip it in quiet and take just an hour,
Before shocking my system with a cold water shower
Ha! Not cold, are you joking me?
I hope you don’t take me so literally!

It was warm and gentle, slow and steady,
God knows how much time I need till I’m ready,
To face the day that is now hitting Noon
And midafternoon coffee that’s coming up soon
I thought and I planned as the hours got thinner,
Right up until I was cooking dinner

I thought “Sun are you tired?”, I looked out its BLACK!
Ooops, a quarter to ten, can you imagine that!!!
The day is long gone and the night has set in,
All those hours slipped past me again!

So I’m glad you came by to read of my day
Progress zero,
But the coffee was great!

—–Whew that felt good to change the pace:) Love, H.

Channel Me Back

Posted by Heather's Starting End on March 22, 2014

Posted in: fun, Humor, life, poetry. Tagged: fun, help, humor, life, line, poetry, prompt, rain, word, writers block. 9 Comments

Throw me a word
A prompt a line
Get my thoughts clicking
This day rain no shine

In the sky and four walls
Those thoughts I adore
Come out of the woodwork
Back here once more

Give me a head full of light
That brightens my day
Like Sunday spring
Lazy
ok

Drifting in dreams
Floating amidst
In my own mind
When everything fits

So give me a word
That prompt
That line
Kick start my head
With energy sublime
Channel me back
From writers block

For it’s a bad day when
The next word is “sock“

Call me Sam, Mom Retired Today

Posted by Heather's Starting End on November 6, 2013

Posted in: Family, Humor, life, Teenagers. Tagged: Children, DPchallenge, Family, humor, Mothers, teenagers. 2 Comments

“Mom”

As a young Girl we privately escape to our fantasy world and dream of our Prince Charming and the Children we will bare. We will grow up to be Moms with a family of our very own. It will be different. Better. Better than what we have as the agonizing life of a Teenager. We will not be tormented by our Parents anymore. Not be told what to do. It will be a happy….loving….peaceful family. Harmony will thrive.

The day had come. My fantasy turned into my reality. I gave birth to my first beautiful Daughter.

Even though I didn’t sleep through the night of her first 14 months on this Earth, 2 years later I decided to do it again and was heavenly blessed with Twin Girls. Slowly but surely, my dream was taking form.

As the first years unfolded, and my Twins as well, came with their first glorious word from their mouths…”Mama”…my heart flooded with Joy. But years go by….and the a flood always subsides…..and they grow into becoming teenagers, young adults.

I became “Mom”, “Ma” and “Mother” depending entirely on each situation. I became the firing range focal point of their inharmonious requests and demands. I became the one responsible for each and every “unjust” in their world. Their reclamation to this unjust either started, or ended, with the “M” word. A sweet “Mom” when they wanted something that they knew required a “No” answer. A “MA” louder than having your ear flat on a loudspeaker at an AC/DC concert when they got the answer. These “M”‘s are coming at the speed of light.

My young adults have pushed me into retirement.

I am changing my name to Sam. “Sam”, being a unisex name, can adapt to all.

Sam will clear hopelessly clogged drains of young adult hair, fix bicycle tires, fold laundry, dust a room with the young adults by his/her side watching and learning. Just once.

Sam will send hormone ravaged young adults to their room till their sanity returns. Sam will give unpopular answers and requests and be able to sleep soundly at night when doing so. He/she will stop all crossfire sibling rivalry with just one look. Sam will be the Diplomat and bring to order all the chaos the Family offers on a minute basis. Sam will be their ruler. Sam will be respected. Sam will not tolerate being treated like a Mom.

Sam never believed in Fairy Tales.

Sam will make young female adults think twice about their strategy of their “Happily ever after” and have them give their Children the same “agonizing” life that I once knew. Most importantly, He/She will enable ME to come out of this alive, but most importantly sane.

Mom welcomes you, Sam. Thank the good heavens you have finally arrived.

Non Athletic Runners UNITE!!!!!!

Posted by Heather's Starting End on November 5, 2013

Posted in: health, Humor, insanity, life, sanity, sport, Uncategorized. Tagged: challenge, DPchallenge, health, humor, life, Mothers, sport. Leave a comment

I run. I really, really, REALLY run. Why can’t I give myself any recognition and call myself a runner?

I run all day, every day.

I am an extremely diversified runner at that. I run in my slippers….to the bathroom, to the mailbox, for the phone, to over boiling water, to arguing siblings. I run.

I run in my car….to the grocery store, the gas station, the post office, the mall, the dry cleaners, the butcher, the bakery. I run.

Geeze! I even run out of breath!!!

I am unclear on the other sport of running. Running there and back again accomplishing nothing more than a sweaty body and aching muscles. Egoistic. Running without filling it up with an errand and doing it just for yourself, taking up precious time of day. Running in the wind, sun or rain just to do it. Imagine that!

I am very curious about this loner “sport”. To fill my inquisitive mind, I went to the local Gym yesterday. Shiny cold metal everywhere. Muscle bodies waiting to occupy the next available machine that promises strength or endurance. Treadmills all lined up in a row for people to spend time on racing like a hamster on a wheel. Some heavy, some lean…inspiring. “Is this how it all begins”, I wondered? Shall I trade in my slippers and car and go to the dark side in sneakers and a short towel to soak up my sweat and attempt the variation of my sport? Trust that aching muscles will feel good? Maybe be able to run a half marathon with my Partner someday in the VERY distant future? Very interesting.

HUGE decision.

Signed on the membership dotted line and will lace up my sneakers next week (without procrastination)- I will attempt to and will someday, have the respect of being an athletic runner in some way, shape or form.

Maybe if this is a success, I will try swimming next,…..

since I swim already. In bills, laundry, stress, housework……..

Think I Burnt my Candle

Posted by Heather's Starting End on November 4, 2013

Posted in: candle burning, Family, health, Humor, life, Moms. Tagged: burnout, Family, humor, Mothers. Leave a comment

I “burnt the candle” at both ends when I was a younger version of myself. My Mom repetitively told me NOT to do it. Warned me that I would burn out. This was in the days when “burn out” didn’t even exist. Not in my life and also not in medicine. Up all night and up in the morning. No problem. None. Days when School and work were roughly as the song stated “9-5”. This mind you, was also in the day when my Mom knew nothing. And I had energy!!! LOTS of energy.

Something has caught up with me. I am beginning to feel burnt. Just what did she know after all? And just how much?

I think our clocks have permanently changed. 9-5 doesn’t exists. The days begin and seem to never end. Burn out is now a medical term. But how could a life of endless party keep me going and now I burn out by just looking at the piles in the washroom? It could be age, but it could also be Karma. Maybe it was the falling off of an easy going fun life and falling into Adulthood reality that struck the match? Reality really can suck. (Parties usually don’t.)

Does anyone remember going out on Friday till the wee hours and not needing till Monday to get over it? If I never went out till the wee hours when I was young have saved my energy for Today? I think not, but my Mom is not here either to confirm or disaffirm that.

Mom knew everything about burn out, she was just a good 35 years too early to try and teach/warn me about it. Now I could surely use a tip or two.

And that bigger Candle.

Public murder of my multitasking….right here.

Posted by Heather's Starting End on October 29, 2013

Posted in: Humor, insanity, life, love, Men, multitasking, Partner, Teenagers, Uncategorized. Tagged: Chaos, Children, Family, humor, Men, Mothers, Multitasking. 2 Comments

Convincing myself each morning that my “tasks” would be finished by nightfall is something I can no longer lie to myself about.

I once thought I did a pretty good job holding my Kids and their three very different schedules together. (If you are a Mom reading this, you know what the word “schedules” entails, if you are a Man, ask your wife.) Cooking three different meals for the Vegan, the Carb lover and the Salad freak. Making sure they all had their favorite shampoos and conditioners plus toothpaste in stock. That their “one and only jeans” were fresh washed.Yes, I have three Girls.

I thought I did it all pretty good until I was shocked to learn that yes, we multitask, but Men task with avengance and ease.

At the end of a day recently, My beloved Partner once again achieved success. He had finished his hours of office work, had the car washed and vacuumed, tended and perfected the acreage around the house which included pruning grapes on our intimate vineyard for pressing our own Grappa. Stepped into his atelier to touch up a painting. He has a dinner menu already in his mind to cook and wine already selected. His clothes are already resting in his draws and closet…

I, on the other hand have multitasked my brains and arms out. And as a result, beds have been stripped, but not freshly made, the vacuum is out but the stairs still threaded with dog and cat hair, the last load of wash is wet in the machine, 3 loads still to fold and one in the drier. Lunch was made but Breakfast dishes are still in the sink. I drove my taxi miles with the car on empty. The windex has now dried untouched on the bedroom window. I took a shower without washing my hair. Last weeks newspapers and glass made it to the garage but not yet to the recycling. And yes, single socks are invading my home, multiplying on a daily basis.

Unbeknownst to him, he has shown me how smooth life can be if we just lost our talent. Our Multitasking Talent.

Thank you, My Darling!!!!!

Detox and Jesus

Posted by Heather's Starting End on October 28, 2013

Posted in: detox, health, Humor, insanity, wine. Tagged: alcohol, challenge, detox, wine. Leave a comment

Oh my!!!! And to think I held on to what was to be my most revitalizing experience ever. My recipe for a guaranteed sweat it out detox bath.

For 3 weeks I patiently waited for the moment when I had the ingredients, 20 minutes minimum required time, the quiet atmosphere, and a clean kitchen to sink myself guilt free into my potion of restoration. I opened up the faucet of my king size whirlpool and let the water flow as hot as it would come per instruction. I emptied first my jar of pharmacy bought Epsom salt, continued on with Baking Soda and closed with fresh ginger. Simple, easy. Hot, stinky.

The bath itself was actually quite uneventful. I fought to keep myself in the steaming bath with water dripping walls for the full 20 minutes. What I didn’t expect were the days that followed.

I have never in my life felt so awful! It was as if everything toxic went it, instead of coming out.

My head pounded for days, my bladder introduced me to a new level of pain. I countered the detox attack with thousands upon thousands of milligrams of Vitamin C, Cranberry pills, uva ursina, green tea, white tea and as a last resort….drank the baking soda mixed with a few shots of apple cider vinegar. Slept, woke, and visited the bathroom umpteen times in between.

Today, 1 week later I am fine again. I am back to drinking my wine that I so enjoy but feverishly tried to pull out of my body- back to enjoying an after dinner drink and by no means will ever “detox” again. Jesus must have turned water into wine for a reason. I have chosen to accept that. I have now found religion.

Raise your flag, Ladies!

Posted by Heather's Starting End on October 25, 2013

Posted in: Family, health, Humor, insanity, life, perimenopause, red flag, white flag. Tagged: Family, humor, Mothers, Perimenopause. Leave a comment

Which flag do I put up today? Yellow, red, …white? No, never pulled the white one….yet. Ravaged with hormones in a physical war on my body and mind, I am at the mercy of my 3 daughters who seem to hold all the cards to my emotional stability. They are winning this war. 20 years ago came the first, 4 years later my double pack. I think I have been fair throughout the years, fair enough to tell them when they were old enough, that “Mommy is having a Mommy day”. That could mean a yellow flag, but could also mean a red. In short, the culprit is our god given blessing of menstruation.

Yellow flag days are days when we eat chocolate, STEAL our childrens chocolate, cry at puppies and kittens in commercials, see the beauty in our childrens pig stye rooms because those kids are “ours”. Tears, in a nutshell just plain old tears. Ouch…my breasts are tender.

Red flag days we cry at weight gain, our brain explodes with the dropping sound of a feather and we are passionately surfing google for home made childrens rooms exposives. There is no beauty….mirrors should be outlawed on these days. Rage, in a nutshell just plain old rage. I’m doubled over with cramps.

As we get older, we accumulate our flag days. No longer the two or three days a month we have become the master of. We have now been introduced to the back up militant of the menstrual war…Miss Peri. Miss Peri Menopause.

She is a tricky one and a very good one at her mission. Her strategy is not letting you know when she is at your back door. Sometimes she stays away for a month, then she will come and relentlessly hassle you for perhaps, lets say, 63 days or so keeping you flipping your flags sometimes on a minute basis for days on end. And then, she’ll leave, just disappear…for 16 days and come back yet again.

I am not sure who to feel more sorry for, me or my three Girls? After all, at least they can escape me and Miss Peri. Something I myself, have not yet magically mastered.